Whilst I was walking around my kitchen this morning, before I sat down to write, I made myself a fresh mug of tea and put on one of the old classic albums I listen to when I write; “Fields of Gold” by Sting. I used to listen to the album on repeat when I was writing for my finals at uni, and it still gets me in the zone. But as I sat down at my desk, I became very aware that I am at a stage of life where I can enjoy the fact that my tea is hot, and I can melt into the cozy, early autumnal environment that is wrapped around me whilst listening to my own choice of music. When I am helping my clients, I am regularly reminded that this is a very special moment in my own life. When my clients are parenting, in a team or solo, a quiet peaceful time to sit and do whatever they like can often feel like an unrealistic dream!
After working with clients from all different backgrounds and situations, I really want to share my experiences of those who are parenting on their own, and talk about how having Doula support can transform what can be a rather daunting time in life.
Let’s be honest, Being a single parent is the hardest task you will ever take on. No matter your story, I want to let you know that you are strong, capable and one of the bravest people on the planet and I am here to promise you that although it can feel you are in a tough place right now, there will be a time again when you can sit down, enjoy the peace, and know that the child you are raising is happy and thriving.
In this blog I want to highlight three common questions that I am asked as a Doula from single parents, and point you in the direction of some great websites that you can connect with and grow your community.
How can a Doula help me as a single parent?
Once we move away from our family home when we go to college, uni or get a new job out of town, it can mean that many new parents live far away from a family network that could help once we have a baby, or have experienced extended family breakdowns that mean that they are not supported in a way that is conducive to finding help on a regular basis. And sometimes, let’s face it, you just don’t want to rely on your sister three times a week for the next year!
My foundation for being your Doula is to offer you emotional support at a time of your life when you can feel at your most vulnerable, and I come back to this bedrock each time we have our sessions together. Being a single parent can often highlight aspects that we try to hide from; loneliness, overwhelm, stress, anxiety and the feeling of inadequacy, all of which are amplified when you are bone tired from little to no sleep. When I walk into your home to help you, my focus is to help you relax and offer space for you to talk whilst I either hold Bubs whilst folding the laundry away, or allow you time to sleep and take a shower whilst I take Bubs for a walk. I can also offer massage sessions to help ease the tension in your body, so you can breathe deeper and lower your stress and anxiety.
I am also trained to help you find the path to other forms of help, so if you need a lactation specialist, I can direct you to one that can answer your in depth questions. As a Doula, I work with families for the first year of the new born’s life, which means that I am able to offer support to you through all the major stages in that year, from birth onwards! There are so many things that happen in that time when a non-judgemental ear is needed, and as a single parent it can be vital to have a person that you can trust to guide you through as you navigate how you want to parent your child in your own way. I hold to the statement on the Doula UK website:
From cooking for you and little one, to just making sure that you enjoy a hot cup of tea at least twice a week, being your Doula is my privilege, and being there to help your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing is why I get out of bed in the morning!
How do I build a network of friends on my own?
The thought of meeting new people when you are feeling like a hot mess doesn’t fill anyone with joy. But you do need to meet other people who are going through a similar process as you are; you need their support, and they need yours as well.
I am based in the Farnham area of Surrey, and we hold monthly meet-ups for parents with children under toddler age, and my newsletter is always packed with dates of events in my local area that you can attend. (Messy hair and baggy sweatpants are our fashion vibe!) If you live further afield, take a moment to subscribe to your local Doula’s website so that they can send you relevant information for your area. Meeting other parents in your local patch is vital, rather than relying solely on communities online. Apart from getting you out of the house and into new environments, it allows your baby to meet new little friends and they can grow with their social circle and that is an important development in their lives. You can chat and listen to new parent’s advice and experience, and find new friends who you can enjoy time with.
Building a local community breaks the isolation pattern that single parents can often feel. You are not alone, and it takes a village to raise a child, If you are feeling nervous about going out solo, we can arrange a time where I can go along with you to a local group to help break the ice, or you can come along to one of the sessions I run with other doulas and bid to workers so you know you will be walking into a room where you know someone and where you will be welcomed and nurtured
There are some great groups and organisations online, so if you are looking for connection based in the UK with a focus on single parenting, the below links might be useful :
Gingerbread https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/your-community/ They have been a hub for single parents since 1918, and have changed legal rights for single parents and their children for the better, paving a path of equality and care for all.
The Single Parents Network https://www.singleparents.org.uk/parenting The SPN offer a great springboard for you to meet people in your local community. With parenting advice for parents with children of all ages, it’s a great space for you to dip your toes into the online networking scene.
Only Dad https://www.onlydads.org/ is a fantastic website! With a focus on helping Dads who are working through a separation, they offer everything from their support hub, to in depth advice about just about anything to do with families from a Dad’s perspective, it’s an easy to use site offering all the information you could need. They are also linked with Only Mums https://www.onlymums.org/ and together they will help those working through the legal ramifications of divorce and separation in a supportive and healthy manner. (The Kitchen Table Meeting that both sites offer is a wonderful support they I highly recommend.)
Turn2US https://www.turn2us.org.uk/get-support/information-for-your-situation/bringing-up-a-child is a site offering financial advice for those who need support, whether you are a single or dual parenting household. They are there for anyone who is facing financial hardship, mounting debts, and need a helping hand. With local advisors and online information, there is a vast amount there waiting to help you.
I have no time to read, is there any information I can listen to?!
I love a good podcast, and there are many out there! My go to podcasts will often make me laugh while also giving me great information and nuggets that resonate with my doula work or as a mum. These ones come highly recommended; :
Grab your earphones next time you are walking with bubs! All the information they offer are linked in their podcast show-notes, so you can easily navigate your way through to find all kinds of resources.
It isn’t easy being a single parent, and although you are doing it all yourself, there is always a tribe around you. Let these people take some of the weight and help you through so that you can be strong for the long term.
Wishing you space to breathe deep, nuggets of nourishment and many moments of mother and fatherhood magic. I'm here to hold it all, with love and nurturing hugs.
Once your Doula, always your Doula!
Love, Sam x
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