It’s a little known fact that when I was training to become a doula I wrote about that depression that can be felt by new Dads after the birth of their children, as well as PND in new mums. It’s a subject that has interested me for a decade, and I felt it was a good time to share some of my thoughts and helpful tips with you in my blog today.
(I am certainly not a trained counselor or therapist, so if you are concerned for someone in your tribe who may be affected by this subject, do make sure they seek professional help. The best links in the UK are: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/urgent-support/ and https://www.betterhelp.com/. Please seek medical help when you need it, and medication is there to help you; it’s not a sign of failure or lack of strength.)
Dads; if you are feeling any shade of blue, let me shine a light on this subject and eradicate the darkness that can surround this area of male mental health. First things first; when I talk about new Dads feeling blue and depressed, it doesn’t matter if you are feeling these things after your first or your seventh child and I know that you are doing your best to head up your tribe!
Secondly, facts are our friends, so let's take a moment to take a deep breath and look at three important stats together:
A tenth of new dads are diagnosed with depression after the birth of their child, and that’s only the men we know about. It is known that “Men have the tendency to delay seeking treatment when they become ill. This has been largely attributed to the concept of “traditional masculine behavior” which is common among white middle class men.”. This means that any research that is carried out will be written with a bias towards the men who do reach out. However, we can learn from the studies so that we can help our tribe of strong Fathers feel supported and heard.
One in four new dads will feel blue after the birth of their child. This can present between the first month to six months after birth, which means it may kick in later than you are expecting.
Scientific America highlights that there is a known lowering in testosterone in men after the birth of their baby. There is no known reason for this, but it does happen, and it can be a hormonal reason why you feel a low sex drive and lose your daily mojo.
Today, I want to get curious about what new Dads can expect, and some practical advice about what we can do to ease the edges in the day-to-day routines.
Panic Is Normal
It’s totally normal to panic! You may feel like you are white-knuckeling the reality that you are about to drive your little human and their Mum (!) home from the hospital soon. Not only that, but you have to help keep Bubs alive without the help of a qualified doctor. From worrying about what to say to your partner when they are in labor, to whether two nappies a day will be enough (fun fact; no, you’ll need between 15-25!), and if you will ever be able to ever think about sex again, everything will be flying around in your mind. It’s overwhelming and you may feel like the unknowables are just too many to wrap your arms around. But the joy is that you are not the only Dad in the world, and those who have gone before you are there to help.
A really positive step you can make before you meet your Baby ‘for real’, is to start to ask the dads in your world that you look up to and respect for all their trade secrets by taking them to the pub. Make a regular time in your diary to ask a range of guys you trust for help and advice. Dr John Delony tells a great story about how he asked someone to show him how to put a nappy on a doll a few times before the birth of his first child, and how it totally floored him in a way two PhD’s didn’t even scratch!
I often say that ‘it takes a village’, and villages are filled with men as well as women, so use your village as you start to head up your tribe!
One of the best book you could read is: New Dad Baby Hacks by William Harding which will help bust some myths and help you on your way. Mark Williams also runs the fantastic website www.howareyoudad.co.uk, which offers an amazing springboard to the help available to you here in the UK.
Keep Yourself In Shape.
This is a marathon, not a sprint: Train for one.
When you are so tired you cannot think in the first few weeks and months after Bubs arrives, it’s important to make sure you are at least eating well, which is why, as your Doula, I make sure that your freezer is packed full of homemade meals that you can heat up when you need them.
Snacking on junk food will make you feel grouchy, which is the start of a vicious cycle at home with your partner. Make sure the online supermarket order is filled with food that will nourish you, whilst being easy to graze on. My go-to-snack advice is always nuts and fruit; high protein and fiber with a natural sugar kick. I also love a smoothie for Dads who are typically trying to juggle a new work/home routine; avoid protein supplements and go for whole foods in your smoothies so that they will give you the complex nutrients and goodness they have to offer, rather than synthetic versions. (I’ll give you any excuse for more peanut butter!)
It’s also important to take exercise when you can so that your own hormones (which plummet after birth), can start to regulate again. Strength training and its link with increasing testosterone levels is still being studied, but we’ve known for years that exercise increases your ‘happy hormones’. Whether you are taking Bubs for a walk, (you may want to increase the pace a little to get your heart rate up), or if you are able to find 15 minutes in the living room to do a short kettlebell session, movement will help boost your mood and keep you strong.
You may feel as if all you are doing is picking up the slack at home, but what you are actually doing is the heavy lifting that allows the home to run well.
Finding Your Space
A very common sign of postnatal depression in men is that new Dads can quite frankly feel useless. Sadly, this can lead to men feeling inadequate and without a purpose within their own home.
The truth of the matter is that the home is not complete without you, Dad!
As attention, quite rightly, goes towards Mum and Baby, it can be hard to express your own needs in a way that doesn’t feel selfish. But keeping quiet is going to cause more harm to you, and the ones you love the most, than sounding like a doofus for a hot minute!
There will always be a point when a family member, close friend, or your doula, is at home during the week, especially in the first few months. This is your time to use them! Ask them to take Bubs for a bit; either in the garden, or for a walk, or even another room, so that you can have time to chat with Mum during the day. Yes, this may mean taking a morning off work, or making sure you are home early a couple of times a month. But it is vital that you take the time to talk about how you are feeling and work out what you can do to help make the house your home.
Being a Dad means owning your space in a new way. Try asking these questions and see where you go:
What do you want your team to look like?
What would you like to do?
Would you like to make bath time with Bubs your own routine?
Would you like to be the one that does the baby massage and bedtime story?
Would you like to organize breakfast for your new family; get tea and toast ready for Mum and make sure the day is starting off strong?
What can you get sorted regularly that your partner can rely on? (Laundry, shopping, life-admin…)
Clear communication will help you find your space in this new structure. I tell my Mummies this, so I shall tell you too; your loved one is not telepathic, don’t presume that they know your needs. You need to tell them.
Post Birth Trauma
I remember being told a golden truth: “When you give birth, leave your dignity at the door of the birthing room, and pick it up again when you leave.”
Seeing your wonderful, strong, brave-as-anything partner give birth to a new life will change you for the rest of your life. It can be beautiful, but it can also be very traumatic. Let’s list three things that can help pre-empt the things you can control and plan for.
If anything happens to your baby during the birth, where are you going to be? Are you going with your baby, or staying with your partner?
Are you going to be the designated birthing partner? When the midwives and doctors are there, would you like/be able to make clear decisions if your partner is unable? Would you like to join forces with a birthing doula who can support you in that place?
If there is an emergency involved, what is your plan to help yourself work through that? Do you have a friend or family member to call who can drop everything and be with you when you need them in the hospital? Dads, you need this support, so reach out and ask before you need it.
Trauma brings with it a level of emotional distress that overwhelms you to the point where you are unable to regulate your emotions, thoughts and causes harm to your sense of self. It puts you in a constant state of flight and flight, and this really starts to harm your health and wellbeing when you don’t process it. This is when it is vital to reach out for professional help.
Seeing blood, pain, physical injury and uncontrolled emotions can bring this trauma on, so it could be useful to sit down with your partner and write a game plan of how you both heal from something that could be hard to deal with.
Post birth trauma is incredibly personal, but to dodge the issue and hide away from it is not going to allow you to embrace the rich life that you and your family could enjoy. Embrace the help, talk to other Dads who are there to support you, and don’t shy away from talking to your partner about how the birth has affected you; it’s not selfish, you are being real, and if you need couples counseling to work it through together with a professional, it will be the best investment into your family’s long term health.
You are not alone
It is so important to know that you are not on your own. Your friends, family and community are all here for you. As a Doula it is my total joy to help families work through this tricky time as their tribe grows, and being able to take the load off your shoulders around the house as you both grow together and heal emotionally and physically is an honor.
I hope that this blog has helped you start breathing a little deeper, and that the links to resources allow you to find your own path to understanding this little talked about subject. You can always reach out and ask questions on my website, or my instagram, and I will do my best to help you find resources and people who can help.
And remember, once your doula, always your doula!
With love, Sam xx
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